Bad hair day and all

I'm bored...so so bad. So i cut my hair short. I thought that would be liberating. But why do i always feel uncertain. Really, i'm bored. Ugh (sigh)...

I was disturbed by what I saw an hour ago on the television. It was a special documentary by Anderson Cooper of CNN about the on-going situation in Congo. What I had witnessed was something I could not even imagine. You know the feeling when you watch a horror movie and you just keep thinking and thinking about it that you can't even sleep at night? What I saw was way more terrifying than that. So I'm writing about it to let it out.

In the Democratic Republic of Congo, civil war is happening. And women has become the victims of this dark battle that has taken place. Well, I have heard a lot of problems happening in Africa such as poverty, lack of education facility, poor water, and AIDS...but I have never really taken some time to understand how and why this is happening until now.

Looking back, I realized this is not something new. Way back in Philippine history, many Filipino women served as sexual slaves for the Japanese soldiers during World War II. They were called the 'comfort women'. Growing up, I read a lot about them. Many women suffered so much and they were in deep pain. And I thought power often dictates cruelty. And at my young age, I convinced myself this too shall pass. Time changes people. We have a better understanding about peace and equality. We can always choose a better leader in our society. Our social consciousness has evolved. But now, it is happening again. Hundreds of women in Congo are being raped everyday,and being witnessed by the community, literally! Even young girls with ages 6 experience gang rape!

All these are happening because of civil war. I realized now, when power is at stake, women always become a commodity. During world war II, comfort women became a symbol of power and authority established by the Japanese. And now, in Congo, they use women as a weapon of war. I dare say that this is not because those evil soldiers of war steal women and act on their sexual perversion, but merely to let the society know that they have the power and authority. They don't even go to a private place to do that. Instead, they let the husbands, family to witness their cruelty.They chose to impose their authority by spreading terrorism. They believe breaking the morality of women is the best way to show that they are the leader of the community.

We all hear a lot about the war in Iraq and Afghanistan, but the war that's happening in Africa is much older.,and way deeper. Before, I only knew that African countries held the most inflicted with HIV/AIDS. I thought of poverty and prostitution as the reasons. Well, actually, it is the wounded society that caused the disease.

What what what?

I have been thinking about quitting my job. Everyday I do. The moment I sit on my workplace, and turn on the computer, I have this feeling of anxiety. I don't like the idea that my boss is actually 5 feet away from my desk...and everyday, she would remind me--ah sorry, she would tell me what to do first, then next, and so on. She knows everything I do 'coz she actually sees what I do and not to do. She never lets us be. There comes a point where I feel like I can't do this anymore. It's not healthy. I want to quit and find a new job but I just don't know why I am still here. Oh gosh, what shall I do now?

spongebob

I've been thinking a lot of things lately. I wonder when will I stop thinking about something. Well, for some reason, this week had been a mixture of everything. For the first time, I was able to purchase tickets online! I'd never used my card online before but thanks, no harm done. And now, I can't wait for the summer. Cebu would definitely be a place to go for especially for someone who wants to see the other side of the world. I just hope I would enjoy it.

Then yesterday, one of the girls in the office really got into my nerves. Let me call her 'spongebob'. Yeah. You know this person in the movie - Nanny diaries?--the woman who lives in the upper east side New York...I am not referring to the character of Scarlet, I'm actually referring to the self-absorbed socialite mother...well, honestly, they don't even share a single trait or something. It just that She's the first person that comes to mind whenever I would see her. And yesterday, of all the days in the week, there she was...hardly making an effort to intentionally make me mad but definitely, without the slightest idea on her part, she pissed me off. And what really annoyed me more was the fact that I pretended I was not upset when in fact, I was totally irritated. Nothing could be more devastating than suppressing your anger. It was really a disappointing situation.

Life, love and memories

2 years ago, I lost someone I deeply loved with all my soul. Everytime I think of her, I never stop wishing that someday, I can able to turn back time and never return to the present. My life is there, and so is my mother.

I don't know. Death has changed me. Love has changed me. I feel like I'm still stuck there. The day when she died. I lost the love that I thought would never gone. And as much I keep denying it, I'm angry. I'm angry with her. For leaving us like that. We had no idea. She never told us anything. And I'm angry with all those people who think that everything's okay when in fact, the world looks like hell to me.

I keep on saying to myself, I'm okay, that I've moved on..but how can I ignore the moments when I feel like I'm paralyzed just the thought of her, the images, photos of her walled up in the room...everytime I think of my mother, I picture myself running...and running....running away from everything. And I feel sick. The pain feels like new again...No days have gone, that I didn't think of her. And when I did, I'd stop whatever I was doing and just let her linger...

And I feel like I have to keep things together. I always said to myself, maybe life has to end, but love lives forever...it maybe painful. But memories are powerful.

take it away

I'm confused. And for what? For something so simple yet complicated.

Well, I guess I need to find something to laugh about.

not over yet

Someone said you have to experience pain to experience life. And I was thinking...is it always like that? What if the thing that causes your pain is actually the same thing that lets you experience life.

I thought my heart just stopped when she died. I honestly thought that was the beginning of the end.

And I'm glad I was able to keep things together...atleast I hope so. Still, whenever I get happy, at the back of my mind, I feel it's not right. Maybe, I'm still stucked there. Maybe, after all I'm not over with all that. People just see the surface, beneath that, they are absolutely clueless.